Is Bill Cosby A Serial Rapist?

77 year old Mr. Bill Cosby

Is it me or has anyone noticed all these women that are now coming out to accuse Bill Cosby of having raped them in the past? I think there are well over 15 different women that are now alleging that Bill Cosby sexually molested them one way or the other. 

What's Bill doing about this? Well, Nothing. 

His silence on the matter does not seem to be putting an end to the discussion unfortunately. So I have to ask: Is Mr Bill Cosby a serial rapist? 

At first, my gut told me that his accusers were just looking for hush money or worse, some cheap fame. At any rate,  as more and more women continue to come out to make similar accusations when there is perhaps no monetary incentive (and in some cases, no clear-cut path to fame) I am forced to ask myself if I was not perhaps being overly lenient towards and protective of a man who ought to be suffering the inevitable consequences of  his possible personal miscalculations and egregious misconduct. 

It seems that Bill Cosby has decided that the best course of action is to keep mum and hope that all these allegations would eventually die off. It may happen that way, but what about the public's perception? It is clear that he is being tried in the court of public opinion, and his reticence has actually been hurting him. 

Should I Divorce My Husband?

In which a married woman seeks advice concerning divorce:

Dear readers: please I need your urgent help. I am in my mid thirty's with a child and I have been unhappily married for 5years. I think I am in love with another married man. He makes me happy and will not hit me like my husband does.

The man I am presently in love with is planning on divorcing his wife only if I will agree to divorce my husband. I am in love with this man, he does things for me that my so called husband will not. Should I divorce my husband? I am so confused that I don't know what to do. Please advise me.

There is really no joy in reminding a spouse that marriage is supposed to be for keeps; for better or for worse; or until death causes a couple to part  when that spouse is a constant victim of physical abuse and battery. This should not be the lot of any person. At any rate, take a look at the society of today and see how the institution of marriage is crumbling. Now, almost half of all marriages end in divorce—sometimes for issues that can actually be resolved with a little bit of communication, tolerance and maturity. Now, I am not going to assume that this woman is a Christian because she did not explicitly state so. The reply she would have gotten would have been radically different if that little nugget of information was known.

Let's call this Lady Mrs. Unhappy.  Mrs. Unhappy has been married for 5 years and has a child for her husband, whom she alleges abuses her. We are not told when or how, but it seems that while she was in this unhappy marriage she forgot her vows against infidelity and got involved with another man. She was so emotionally invested in the affair till it got to a point where she confesses that she is now in love with that other man (not her husband).

Alas here's the problem: the man she was messing with (outside her marriage) is also married. So in her case, it is not just enough for her to leave the marriage, her lover also has to divorce his wife if there's ever going to be any hope of them staying together at least legally. We are also not told why the other man in this affair is planning on divorcing his wife. What could be his reason for doing so—just to be with Mrs. Unhappy?

Communication Failure: Yerima And The Issue Of The "Child" Brides

It is a sad thing to see interesting political discussions on Nigeria devolve into pointless name-calling and ethnic warfare. Some Nigerians clearly do not know how to separate ethno-sectarian concerns from robust and rational political discourse. But then again, perhaps this is because Nigerians really do view politics primarily from a clannish, sectarian outlook. Please let us be mature here.

Concerning Yerima, I think a number of people who have opposed him recently either do not actually understand what point he is making or if they do, clearly do not feel particularly disposed to grant him the right to those views. You can hate Yerima all you like, but there are many more like him in the National Assembly, and millions that reason like him all around Nigeria. He is a product of the system that he has found himself in, so lets recognize that fact. Here are some salient points to keep in mind:

1) Nigeria is a multi-religious country just like India. It is therefore very common to notice inter-religious violence and strife. In Nigeria's case, inter-religious clashes have also deviously mingled with ethnocentric agitations and strife to produce a toxic atmosphere where a little issue can literally ignite raw passions and violence. Nigeria is a boiling cauldron; a tinderbox, and it takes very little to generate explosive violence. It is because of these that the adopted constitution of Nigeria has been careful as it were to emphasize religious freedom. If people from wildly disparate belief systems are ever to get along in a multi-religious enclave like Nigeria, there needs to be no misapprehension about the fact that the faith and belief-systems of its radically different people must be protected. So Yerima was not wrong in reminding the National Assembly that it could contravene this fundamental principle when that legislative body was deliberating on what it means to be "of age".

2) It needs to be pointed out once again, that the genesis of the furor over Yerima's action in the National Assembly is not that Yerima and co-legislators wanted to "make the legal age of consent to be 13 years". Let me say this another way. A lot of people have misunderstood what actually happened. They thought, or were told, that these 35 northern senators have strong-armed the senate into officially making 13 the age of legal consent so that these law-makers can be content marrying their child wives. Permit me to say that this is an inaccurate rendering of events. The more correct scenario is that they were considering what it means for a woman to be "of age" especially as it concerns things like the renunciation of one's citizenship, acquisition of property, etc. In other words, at what age would the law consider a person technically qualified to have certain rights apply?

"Not Guilty"

The jury acquitted George Zimmerman. And just like that, it now seems that a 17 year old black boy had died in vain. I regret the decision reached by this jury, but long before this day came, as I watched this trial, I couldn't help but realize that something like this was eventually going to happen.

George Zimmerman may have been declared NOT GUILTY in the eyes of the court, but he'll be fearful for the rest of his life. It seems almost unimaginable that he did not get any jail time for what happened--whether it was intentional or accidental. We do not know what exactly happened, but if there is any ultimate justice in the end, the death of Trayvon will be punished one way or the other. May his soul rest in perfect peace!

Feminism And The African Woman In The West

For many Africans in the Western world, there is a semantically supercharged word—other than homosexuality—which seems to invite disapproving murmurs, smug dismissals, confusion and sometimes vehement denunciations. It is a word that has come to connote some fundamental perversion of an African’s understanding of social order. This word is feminism. Let us backtrack a bit here. If you examine the cultures of non-Western societies (and for Western societies for thousands of years before feminism gained wide acceptance there), it is not far-fetched to deduce that they are/were predominantly male-dominated or patriarchal. Males are/were the primary authority figures central to social organization; males occupied the central roles of political leadership, moral authority, and control of property. Furthermore, in patriarchal societies fathers held authority over women and children. As a matter of fact, anthropologically speaking, this seemed to be the default social organizational scheme and system of government that most humans have used successfully for thousands of years from ancient hunter-gatherer arrangements to tribal societies to today’s industrialized and complex sociopolitical configurations.

Can one therefore now assume that such male-domination in these societies must perforce go in tandem with female subjugation? I think that such a conclusion does not necessarily follow. This is the point at which feminists of every stripe will usually vehemently protest, negatively label and end further discussion on the matter. Well, a clear distinction needed to be made here. The fact that in most of the societies that human beings have ever lived in and thrived were male-dominated does not have to imply female subjugation and enslavement. Rather, it implies that there was an understanding that men and women functioned optimally in certain roles—roles which not only understand the unique biological, physical, emotional or psychological differences between the average male and the average female, but also helped to entrench social order and cohesion. In many of such male-dominated societies, a woman may not always be the visible political or social head; nevertheless a woman’s vital role for the well-being of such societies could never be overestimated. 

In other words, while women (and children) in African societies are to varying degrees subordinate and supportive of the menfolk with reference to the holding of visible political or moral office, they are by no means subjugated; nor are they in a master-slave arrangement, nor rendered utterly and inescapably subservient. In most African societies, it is normal to discover that the father is the visible head of the family; that the CEO or supervisor at some office might be male; that the head of some religious gathering will most likely be male; that the military and paramilitary establishments have a male majority; that construction workers are usually male; that tedious farming and mining is done by males; that menial and back-breaking physical labor is provided mostly by males etc. Here’s an important rejoinder though: in some cases, you will also find women occupying these roles. At this juncture, it is useful to emphasize that since the women raised in such cultures equally have ways through which they are contributing immensely for personal or collective advancement, they do not necessarily see themselves as marginalized. They realize that if their goal was to take up some of the jobs that were and have been traditionally carried by men, they would have to show not only their capacity for such tasks but display a matching or perhaps better competence at such tasks in order to be chosen with or above their predominantly male rivals. These African women are therefore not seeking for forced concessions borne of male guilt nor preferential treatment nor the abandonment of meritocracy for the enthronement of some absurd notion of skill-specific, gender-conscious equalitarianism as is being preached by some shrill radical feminists in the West.

Does He Need to Know?

Apparently, she is conflicted here and cannot decide on what the right course of action is.

This past April, I broke up with my boyfriend of five years. I had been living with him for more than two years, but I broke it off and moved out for a number of reasons. One reason was that I needed to know what life was like on my own. I'd had a boyfriend since I was 15, and at age 26 I needed to be comfortable with myself and figure out if he was really what I wanted. I had doubts. So I moved out, and we broke up.

While we were broken up, I had an affair with his best friend. We'd become close over the last year through email, spending time together and so on. He wasn't happy with his life and neither was I. We supported each other. He was, and still is, a great friend, but now my boyfriend and I are back together.

He knows that I dated a few men while we were apart, but he doesn't know that I slept with his best friend and I am not sure that I should tell him. That's my problem. We're living together again - and we're talking about getting married in the next six months. I'm ready. I know that I am, I've never been more in love or confident of anything in my life. But my boyfriend says that when the time comes, we have to come clean and get married without any secrets.

I think this secret should stay with me till the grave. Any thoughts?

That secret will stay a secret only if his best friend never blabs about it, or your boyfriend does not find things from your affair with his best friend which makes him inquisitive. So the first thing here is to know what his best friend thinks of the fact that you now went back to your boyfriend and that you are apparently considering marriage. Does he approve of it? Is he spiteful? Does he want you back? You need to know his position on your new-found relationship with your boyfriend before you make a final decision.

However, it is better to believe that even if the guy is hurt, he may say that he has no problem with the arrangement and wish you well with your boyfriend. But, if he feels like ruining your relationship, or if your boyfriend offends him, or if he wants to blackmail you, he may threaten to leak your secrets or actually do it-- and that will plant a serious suspicion and doubt in your boyfriend even if you do a great job of denying it. So, in the end, you stand to lose no matter how long you keep this secret. Therefore I think you should come clean. Things like this wind up coming out to the open anyhow.

Here's a way to look at it. At the time it happened, you were not with your boyfriend; you guys were broken up. So while he might not have liked you to date or sleep with his friend, you are not technically guilty of infidelity by doing so. Therefore there is no reason for you to feel guilty. You say he knows that you dated other men while you were broken up--and so his best friend is unfortunately part of the statistic. If the man really loved you and wanted to build a life with you in it, then he will doubly appreciate your honesty in coming clean, and since it did not happen when you guys were technically together, he would understand that as an adult, you have every right to the choices you make regarding your relationship. Who knows--chances are that if he is equally honest with you, you may also discover that he knocked boots with some other woman while you two were broken up. All water under the bridge now, I say.

Start your fresh new relationship with honesty and transparency, and build on the trust and commitment that you two now seem to have found. This is because secrets between partners have a way of coming out eventually to ruin the good thing they labored to create and nurture.

Am I Being Unreasonable?

In which a married woman urgently seeks counsel:

I am married to a man who is the first son of seven. I am older than all his siblings. One of his sisters was a frequent visitor to our home. I feel I did my best to make her feel at home.

For instance I never asked her to do any house work to help me because I feel it is my home and I would do my house work anyway even if she was not around. I allowed her complete freedom in the kitchen to dish her own food and eat whatever she wanted.

Three years ago when she came on vacation she stole some of my gold jewelry. When I saw it with her she denied that it was not mine. Later she insisted that I must have forgotten it in her parent’s house the last time we came on vacation which I know fully well was not true as the gold disappeared from underneath my bed.

Last year again she came to visit and some more jewelry disappeared. We were moving house at the time and in all the confusion she packed quite a substantial number. [I sell gold].

I went to their house to confront her about it and we started to exchange words. I called her a thief. Her mother (my mother-in-law) asked her to deal with me and she slapped me twice. I did not retaliate.

During the peace making process, I gave a condition for which I would forgive. I said she would not call me by my first name any longer. I am seven years older than her. My mother in law jumped up, shouting and saying I had no right to demand that. They are Igbo. The girl is the first daughter of the family.

Well since then if the girl calls me by my first name I do not answer her. If her mother is there at the time, a quarrel ensures as she will accuse me of keeping malice. Now people are advising me to let go and accept this girl calling me by my first name for the sake of peace.

Am I being unreasonable?

First, I want to thank you for your question. I hope that you are still married to your husband, and that despite the misunderstandings you might have with your sister-in-law or your mother-in-law, you have continued to live peacefully with your husband.

If this is the case, have you discussed this situation with him? Have you tried to make him understand how sticky-fingered his younger sister appears to be? If you have not, is there a reason why you’ve not yet discussed his sister’s petty theft or his mother’s apparent unhelpfulness to the situation? If you have not, please do so. Rather than continue to stomach the indignities and the insults that might possibly be heaped on you by a girl that is 7 years younger than you are, please let her older brother (your husband) realize the gravity of the situation. If he loves you, and is moreover mature enough as to want the happiness of his own home first, he’ll have a talk with his younger sister and with his mother if the need arises. You are better off if he steps in and makes it abundantly clear to all and sundry that it is your word and your wishes that take precedence in every matter regarding his matrimonial home. If the situation deteriorates to the worst, it would be better for you and for all if he is the one that makes the decision of forbidding his sticky-fingered sister from ever paying you folks a visit.

At any rate, let us say that you and your sister-in-law are now interested in making peace. She is the first daughter of the family like you say, and it would be splendid if you two could have a very rich and amicable relationship. Is it unreasonable then to demand that your only condition for peace would be for her never to call you by your first name?

Well, the answer is a mixed bag—it is partly reasonable and partly unreasonable.

Help Me Get A Man Please!

In which a single 43 year old woman bemoans her unmarried status:

I know some people would want to nail me after reading just the headline but I feel this is getting out of hand. I clocked 42 last July and to be candid I’m not into any serious relationship.

I’m from South-South Nigeria, the first daughter out of 7 children. I hope you won't feel offended as I would not further disclose my identity for obvious reason.

Just last year, our last born who works with a popular telecommunication company got married to her longtime boyfriend, leaving only me hugging ‘tubes and tyres.

I’ve gone for prayers in several churches; they promised me that my husband would appear in no distant time.

In fact, the last prayer house I went in a popular church, the man of God told me that ‘if he be a man of God, before the year runs out, my dream man would appear.

Another one told me I was the architect of my predicament, saying that I’ve missed the opportunity.

When I was in my mid 20s, I had many ‘toasters’ but they were never my dream men.

I used to think my kind of guy was the tall, dark and handsome one. Preferably banker, but now they are not forthcoming.

I was in a relationship with an ex footballer but I dumped him when I could no longer cope with his kind of person.

Now, I’m even ashamed of living in the same house with my parents at my age.

Please advise...

I have to say that this story or account is far too common to be waved off cavalierly—granted that in many cases the desperate women firing off these sorts of Damsel-In-Distress calls are for the most part in their 30s and not in their 40s as in this case. But of course, the stories are usually the same:- girl cannot understand why she is incapable of attracting a man or rather attracting a man who is willing to walk down the aisle; girl tries to change everything about herself including her physical appearance; girl might even suddenly discover some phantom spirituality hanging out predominantly in church circles if only to lead some unsuspecting fellow into giving her a moment’s consideration; girl finally pulls her hair off in desperation and begins to try a series of non-conventional and bizarre paths in order to secure a mate. Indeed it is the plot or subtext of so many soaps and home movies.

At any rate, what can one tell this clueless 43 year old? Let us go over the facts:

• A.     She informs us that when she was young, in her 20s no less, she had many guys who were interested in her but they all were not good enough for her.
• B.     All her siblings are now happily married and she is the only one left in her parent’s home.
• C.     She had consulted some “prayer” churches and received some assurances that change was on the way but all to no avail.

Bunichat Discussions: When Sparks Fly! (Prologue)

As I mentioned in one of my earlier posts, I have come across a lot of different personalities and characters in the Bunibuni chat room. There is something unique about our Bunibuni chat room where people can see and hear each other—the interactions become very real. As anyone who has spent any length of time in chat rooms would readily attest, many chat rooms out there are really little more than directionless aggregations of total strangers forced to share a chat space for a short while before they go about their regular businesses. In ordinary chat rooms, most of the interactions are written. A participant would type up some contribution and post it hoping to receive some feedback or a response. If someone reads it and responds, then some discussion can be had. Otherwise, as new chatters can readily tell, it is possible for no one to read or bother replying things that one might type up and post.

It is therefore hardly surprising to discover that in such chat rooms (where one cannot see or hear other participants) there is a level of detachment that a participant often feels with respect to the other members of the chat room. To many people in such faceless and voiceless chat rooms, chatting is just some abstraction; something impersonal or far removed from real life social interactions albeit that from time to time as people continue to converse by means of typewritten text on screen, the degree of estrangement or anonymity begins to dwindle. Some may even wind up trading phone numbers or their personal pictures in a bid to get to know or understand their interlocutor more clearly. At any rate, the anonymity, aloofness or detachment that is usually the case for users of most chat rooms has the effect of coarsening the discourse—why indeed would one be mindful of the way one addressed some ‘moniker’ on the screen? After all, when one logs off, it is assumed that one instantly forgets the brief and usually directionless exchanges there. It is therefore hardly surprising to notice the deplorable, uncivil and decadent prattle that make the rounds in these festering conversational cesspools where there are no rules or enforcers to check against the vagaries of irresponsible unbridled speech.

So Where Is Mr. Right Guy?

One of the reasons why women get frustrated with men in the dating and relationship market is because they quite clearly do not know what men are often looking for in women nor indeed how to best position themselves to attract the sort of guys they want. If you look out there today, there seem to be too many women out there seeking for and not finding male partners. Obviously, the reason for this is not that there are no more men, nor is it that all the good men a woman can obviously be with have all been taken. The problem is simple---it is a marketing issue. There are too many women who just do not know how to put their best foot forward.

Before I go on, let me point this out. In the world today, many young women are bombarded with different and sometimes contrasting messages from their pals, television, magazines etc. on steps to take to increase their market value. They are inundated with tips on how to secure the so-called perfect man/date; what things to do to make oneself sexually more appealing; what steps to take to make it more likely for a man to propose etc. The list is endless—women are constantly being pulled in all directions on the issue of dating and relationships. It is not surprising therefore to discover that an alarming number of women have self-esteem and insecurity issues whether they care to admit it or not. Why would they not worry constantly when they see the nigh-impossible standards of beauty that women have to aspire to nowadays? Why will women not be anxious when they see the lengths their fellow women would go to in the name of beauty? It turns out however that when it comes to serious long-term relationships and marriage (as opposed to the casual flings or one-night stands), there may be a whole different dynamic at work.

Ladies, here are a few things to consider:

Bunibuni Originals

Thousands of people have visited the Bunibuni chatroom over the years. Indeed, as one of the pioneers of LiveChat, I can tell you without mincing words that I have come across a wealth of different characters and personalities. I am sure that as time continues to pass, unless Bunibuni chats cease, there shall yet be a lot of interesting people to come to that chatroom.

At any rate, it is necessary to recognize the pioneers of Bunichat. These men and women are literally the earliest chatters that graced the chatroom. I am sure if you ask many of them to reminisce about those early days, you would immediately notice the tinge of sadness mixed in gladness in their voices and mannerisms as they recount a time long ago when they absolutely loved and cherished the chatroom. I’ll call these pioneering, trailblazing statesmen and women the Bunibuni Originals. It is a special class; a special honor bestowed on these people. It is recognition of their impact in making Bunichat the sort of place that eventually drew in hundreds and hundreds of different chatters over these years.

One more thing—this list cannot be updated to accommodate other names because these names represent the verifiable and active first set of chatters. I am sure that there are others who came pretty close to the time some of the names on the list showed up. Therefore, it is important to realize that those names you recognize to have come a short while before you came are as a matter of fact the last of the Originals set. This is truly the first 30 people to start using the LiveChat/BuniChat room. Take the time to read and ponder over their names to see if you still remember them, and if you do remember, try to see if you can come up with about 5 things about them.

It goes without saying that some of them are no longer around now—they are, in true ancestral fashion, departed. Some are around but quite busy and now occasionally check to see what might be happening in the room. These special ladies and gentlemen really ought to command the unquestioned respect of latter-day chatters because they are in a real sense the chat room grandfathers and grandmothers. Please if you meet or run into any of them and you feel like you need a fresh perspective on how much fun chatting could be, or on past history, or for tips, feel free to engage them and they would tell you a few things that may be of interest to you.

Well then let’s get to it. In addition to yours truly (Godfather/PaaKofi), here in no particular order are the Bunibuni Originals:

Stephanie and Josh: Love’s Growing Pains III

Stephanie and Josh: Love's Growing Pains

Stephanie and Josh: Love's Growing Pains II

“Hey Steph,” Josh began, jolting Stephanie back to reality away from her flurry of thoughts; “I want to tell you that I am actually happy to see you again. You are looking very stunning by the way” Josh said in a soft measured tone. It was as if in the stillness of that evening’s drive, Josh had begun to think seriously about his future with Stephanie. He took a sideways glance at her and smiled.

“Thanks, you are not bad-looking yourself. All you need is to take a shower after and you’d be as radiant as I used to remember” Stephanie said smiling.

The discussions flowed from there as they began to talk in somber and serious tones about their present lives. Stephanie spoke about her company dramatically downsizing and letting a significant number of former employees leave. She spoke about how her drive and work ethic were the only things that helped to persuade her employers to keep her even though she took a little pay cut to retain her position. She also wasn’t too happy with the fact that they moved her away from New York City. But with the spate of firings going on around her as businesses began to crumble and disappear, she thought it best to remain with a guaranteed job until she could find something better. After all, it wasn’t as though she was not earning enough money to be very comfortable. She suggested rather comically, while looking at Josh, that it was providence that brought her back to Indiana, for she queried, if she hadn’t returned, how indeed they could be having this date.

Josh listened attentively and smiled whenever Stephanie chuckled. In his mind, he was remembering the spontaneous and free-spirited woman he used to love. As the discussions carried on, it became clearer to Josh that she was still fun to hang out with.

He looked sideways again at Stephanie who had strangely fallen silent, staring intently, as he began to talk about himself. This was because the cute smile on his face had disappeared and was replaced with a sad, somewhat pained expression. It was as if he was having great difficulty expressing himself. That keen expression struck a familiar chord in her. It was that same dazed, innocent and painfully-obvious look that he had when she first met him in New York.

He began by narrating about the loss of his mother to cancer the year before and how it completely devastated him and his only sister. Then he recounted the stress of his job, and how it severely impinged on his social life. He talked about his desire to leave Indiana for one of the really big cities out there where he could actually get to enjoy life in between the hectic hours at his current job of saving lives. Then he spoke of a recent heart surgery that he and his medical crew performed which failed to save a young girl—how the loss of that poor girl’s life sent him into throes of sadness and guilt for many days. It didn’t even help matters that he did not have a serious dedicated woman in his life at that time to help him out in his time of great emotional distress.

Iwe – Flavour’s Tribute to MC Loph

                              

Obiajulu Kenneth Nwaozor popularly known as MC Loph—one of Nigeria’s rising indigenous crooners, and a dear friend to Flavour N’Abania—was returning to his hometown of Ugwuaro in Anambra state from Lagos State, in the company of his only sister and sibling Chinwe, and his fiancée on September 14 of this year, when he crashed his newly acquired SUV at Benin-Ore road. He died with his sister before help came. He was returning home to his parents in order that they could go about the normal Igbo traditional marriage rites to be fully married to his fiancée when this most unfortunate thing happened to rob some grieving parents of their only children.

This is a very tragic loss to the Nigerian music industry, and it represents yet another example of precious lives that are lost on Nigeria’s dangerous roads—roads which are in dire need of serious repair, but which have consistently been ignored by the state and federal government. How many lives would be swallowed by Nigeria’s ugly death traps pretending to be highways before a tough-minded dedication towards road rehabilitation occurs?

At any rate, MC Loph and his sister were buried on October 28, 2011. It wasn’t surprising therefore that Flavour dropped a soul-stirring and emotional farewell tribute to a dearly beloved friend. Here, I’ll try to translate the song as faithfully as I can, and in as much detail as is required to help any non-Igbo speakers understand what’s being said. The original words of the song are in bold; I’ll underline the direct translation of the original lyrics into English. To further expand, I’ll give a background or contextual deeper explanation in curly brackets. You may discover that you’d have to listen to this song several times while you read the translations for it to adequately sink in.

Here’s Why She Won’t Ask

 

On Bunibuni Facebook group page, Misweetie suggests:

13 things a girl wants, but won't ask for:

1. Touch her waist. 2. Actually talk to her. 3. Share secrets with her. 4. Give her your hoodie. 5. Kiss her slowly. 6. Hug her. 7. Hold her. 8. Laugh with her. 9. Invite her somewhere. 10. Hangout with her and your friends together. 11. Smile with her. 12. Take pictures with her. 13. Pull her onto your lap. Boys repost this if you would ACTUALLY do it. Girls repost this if you would love a boyfriend like that.

1. No, she won’t want you to be grabbing her waist anytime you feel like in public. Guys don't buy this especially if you are not even her BF. She'll more than likely shove you off angrily, call you a pervert or call the cops. She only wants to her waist to be grabbed when she is in a tender sexual or romantic mood, not whenever you feel like it.

2. No, what a girl wants is for you to listen. That’s what they complain that guys don't do. She is perfectly capable of talking all by herself till your ears bleed. All you have to do is sit there and pretend to listen.

3. Guys, the only reason she may be afraid to ask you to share a secret with her is because, if you reverse the positions and ask her to tell her own related secret experience, it would turn out to be a disaster for her. For example, she will be afraid to ask you to tell her if you've slept with another girl while you 2 were still dating. This is because if you ask her that same question, the truth would be that she has banged all your guy friends, your younger brother plus the postman.

The Woman's Private Part

A friend of mine brought an article to my attention recently. It was an article written by Amara, a Nigerian woman, for African women in general and other Nigerian women in particular. The subject matter of that article was at once arresting, and I found that I couldn’t stop until I had read every word. It turned out that I pretty much already knew the stuff contained therein and I agreed with pretty much everything in it. I am using this opportunity to spread this educational write-up hoping that it might reach and positively impact as many as there are who might read it. At any rate, I will not be surprised if there are differences in opinion with the author of this piece.

I treated this topic sometime in 2009, after which I received endless comments and questions on sex and the woman’s body. The sad thing is that a good number of these comments are from the male folk; they are either talking about their girlfriend or their wives.

I believe that men don’t always like to discuss such issues and for a man to be the one worried about these problems, it is either of two things: the woman has refused to do something about it or the man is too timid to say it out.

Considering Mildred

One day, during the past 90 days, whether in a vision or a trance I cannot tell, save that I was transported out of my busy and familiar bearings to some peculiar and distant place. As I looked around me wondering what manner of place this was, an unknown voice speaking in rich cadences called out to me and urged me to observe a certain damsel which was to be revealed to me shortly. I knew not what manner of assignment this was or indeed why I would be thus chosen to undertake this task but there was something quite urgent about the voice that spoke to me, which altogether ruled out the possibility of my disobedience.

I did not have to wait for long either—for soon after that imperious voice came to me straight like a bolt from the blue, I could see clearly in front of me, a damsel that I had come to know as Mildred. I looked at her and called out her name, temporarily forgetting my ethereal state, but when she looked in my general direction and then walked past me, it dawned on me immediately that she could not perceive me. I could follow her everywhere she went, overhear her discussions with the people around her, and even occasionally be privy to her innermost thoughts and feelings –all without her faintest knowledge about my ever-present supervision. This fact struck me with singular force; and for a while, compelled against my will, I was granted the ability to trail a friend so as to observe her in close quarters, for reasons which are, as far as I could decipher, unknown.

Mildred—that verily is her name—I soon came to discover was a complex daughter of Eve. At this juncture perhaps, I should attempt to describe her outward form. She was roughly 5 feet and 5 or 6 inches, with a chocolate brown skin which I can imagine might be described as flawless in some fashion circles. Her face was oval or perhaps more accurately round, with the cutest pinchable cheeks ever. She had a full shock of flowing jet black hair which she styled as differently as her mood permitted—sometimes, all shifted to one side of her head concealing one jewel-adorned ear; at other times she would let them drop gradually in front of her face scarcely concealing her somewhat prominent but expressive forehead. Set in that beautiful rounded face were a pair of bright, oval-shaped and as I beheld them, very earnest eyes. She had a piercing glance when she looked at you as though she could see into the very innermost recesses of your soul. If, as they say, the eyes are a window to the soul, her window though being large were somewhat covered with a blind—so that even though you may look upon her face, and see the expression dictated by her expressive eyes, you may not fathom what strange, shatteringly complex thoughts were roaming freely in her mind.

Of Ethnic Chauvinism In Nigerian Circles

(A Fashionable Restaurant and Bar in Lagos. As usual, Nigerians of different ethnic groups are present. They are having a discussion in between copious servings of Peppersoup, Amala, Isiewu, and other Nigerian dishes, and of course lots of beer)

(Yoruba man): I just broke up with my girl. She is Igbo, and so, I cannot date her any longer or marry her. Igbo women are ridiculously expensive and high maintenance. They are too materialistic and stubborn. Besides when you eventually marry her, you are also marrying her entire family! For what? It is not like there is anything special about them!

(Igbo woman): Shut up! Who the hell are you? This is why I won’t even consider marrying a Yoruba man. Yoruba men are notoriously unfaithful in relationships. They can cheat on their wives with their wives’ sisters. They leave the entire job of running a family to their wives because they are like cowardly little boys who never want to grow up or accept responsibilities!

(Yoruba woman): Go to hell! See how you are flapping your gums here? May Sango bend that your neck for you! How about your Igbo men—are they any better? Igbo men are uneducated market touts; unsophisticated greedy traders. They are too bossy; too controlling and unromantic. Why would any woman want to date or marry a caveman? That is why whenever they think their girlfriends or wives are doing better than they are financially, they go insane and KILL them. Abegi jare!

(Igbo man): May Amadioha dislocate your jaw there, you ugly woman. You have the mouth to come here and rain insults on Igbo men. What about you Yoruba women? The truth is that Yoruba women have poor personal hygiene. Yes I said it—you Yoruba women are dirty compared to the rest of Nigerian women. Besides, you are rude, loud and uncultured market-women. No wonder your Yoruba men are always running after Igbo women. It is not uncommon to see a Yoruba man being chased around by his crazy pestle-wielding Yoruba girlfriend or wife. Your cooking is horrible—you are just like bush women. Go and tame your men—those little player wannabes! But maybe this is futile. Look around Lagos. All these Sisi Eko prostitutes you see around are Yoruba women.

Stephanie and Josh: Love's Growing Pains II

One evening, after a week of restless nights, Stephanie decided that she would ignore her fears and worries and call Josh. What’s the worst that could happen? At most, he’d politely decline and then I’d get some sort of closure here, she mused.  Trembling with anxiety, she dialed his number and listened anxiously as the phone began to ring. Sweat beads were already forming on her forehead and she wondered if she was not really being silly in attempting to reconnect with a guy she had unceremoniously let go five years earlier.

“Hello?” replied a female voice on the other end.

Stephanie felt like hanging up the phone immediately. This must be his girlfriend or fiancée, she thought. How incredibly silly she had been to call at this time of the day. She should have gone to his job—at least if he was there, and he recognized her, that would be better than having to explain herself to some random stranger over the phone. These thoughts were dashing around madly in her mind when she mustered the courage to speak after a long pause.

“Hi, my name is Stephanie. Please, I am trying to reach Josh. Is this his correct phone number?” she blurted out trying to sound as formal as possible.

“Hi Stephanie.  Please if I may be so bold, what is this in reference to? He is a little occupied now” replied the female voice excitedly.

Stephanie could hear the pitter patter of feet scampering in the background. Then she could hear an unmistakable manly voice.

“Give me my phone now!” the male voice demanded.

“No, you come get it” the female voice replied laughing.

Stephanie could faintly make out that the lady on the other end of the line was running around the living room with the phone while the man gave chase. Stephanie could not take it any longer. She felt like she was an unnecessary intrusion into another man’s life. Then she sadly ended the call. After what felt like a long time (but it really was like five minutes), her phone rang.

“Hello”, she replied dryly.

“Yes, someone called my phone from this number a few minutes ago but my sister was toying with the phone and she made me miss the call. So who is this again?” replied the male voice.

“My name is Steph…” she started to say.

“Stephanieeeeeeeeeeeee. Is it really you?” Josh shouted.

“Yes! Long time Josh. How have you been? You sound happy” Stephanie replied.

“Of course I am. What did you think? It’s been five years!” Josh intoned.

Her Name Is Bethel

She walked over to her bed, climbed in and pulled the covers up to her waist. I was sitting at a considerable distance watching her and trying my best to understand this young woman. She lay on her side facing my direction, and then she flashed a smile as if she understood the quandary that I faced as I tried to understand her in greater detail. She wasn’t going to make this easy for me—she wasn’t going to make it uninteresting as well.

Her name is Bethel.

Who exactly is Bethel? Well that is the million dollar question isn’t it? That is the question that I wanted to discover an answer to. Outwardly, she was beautiful. She had a nice set of teeth and her smile lit up a room. Her large seductive eyes were set in a round face with lips that suggested it had uttered many strange things. She was soft-spoken (most of the time), and carried herself with an innocence that could deceive. She was sweet, friendly and kind. Above all, she loved to help people in need and nurse or attend to people that are injured. She was by all outward appearances an angel in human form—tender, gentle, caring, beautiful, sweet and charming.

But there was also something very fearful about Bethel. The first time I noticed it, I was horrified beyond words. It was the reason why I came closer to her, to study her so that I can fully understand her better.

For Nigerian Men: Tips For A Successful Marriage

Look around you. Look at the Nigerian marriages here in the US. Look at the Nigerian couples found in many communities here in the US. Have you noticed the increasing rate of divorce and separation between Nigerian men and women? What is responsible for this rising trend? Is there anything that can be done to remedy the situation? This is a huge topic so I am going to limit myself to discussing just a few things. I am going to offer a few suggestions on how men and women (potential spouses) can better understand each other so that relationships may continue to survive.

For the Men:

A) Nigerian men in the US need to understand that by living and operating in the US, they cannot claim to be insulated from, immune to or unaware of the effects of decades of a sustained push for gender equality and women empowerment. This means that even though the Nigerian cultural practices and norms are a guiding principle for many Nigerians in the US, one cannot completely ignore the altering effects of the American society ideals on the perceptions and actions of Nigerian men and women who dwell there in. Therefore, it should not come as a surprise to Nigerian men, if Nigerian women in the US, seem to be more assertive of their rights; Nigerian men should not be flabbergasted when their wives demand for equality in all things pertaining to the marriage. This is usually a tougher pill for men to swallow—the very idea that their wives would have equal and sometimes greater say in how the marriage ought to proceed, or how the home should be run. From a Nigerian man’s point of view, it is tantamount to losing his natural position as the head of the household, but it doesn’t need to be so. It is time to drop the authoritarian or dictatorial mindset. Your wife is not chattel—she is not your property for you to talk to or treat anyhow you deem fit. A little flexibility coupled to an attitude that listens to and considers the opinion and contribution of the woman would go a long way in fixing many broken Nigerian homes.

B) Nigerian men ought to appreciate their wives especially if such wives are also working to take care of the family. I cannot understand why some men feel particularly threatened by the possibility or the fact that their wives might be earning more than they do. Granted, when this happens, it is often the case that the wife becomes more impatient and sometimes disrespectful to the man, but this doesn’t have to be the case. Any self-respecting man who cherishes and respects his wife’s commitment and contribution, and moreover shows by his own actions and efforts that he is also doing the best he can to provide for the family, will usually compel a loving and respectful wife even if the wife earns more. Nigerian men therefore have to show in words and deed that they appreciate and love the woman for bringing something to the table no matter how big or how small. A little appreciation for a wife can go a very long way. Buy her something of sentimental value—doesn’t have to be expensive; just something that shows that you really care. These things are not much, but it is these little gestures that cumulatively form the bulk of her fond memories and feelings for her husband.